I Haven’t Written Anything in A Year. Here’s a Life Update.
Coming back from a vacation is like getting down from a high. That’s how I feel right now. I am sure I’m having withdrawal symptoms. If someone gave me an opportunity to go back, I would in a heartbeat.
Visiting Jim Corbett and Mukteshwar made me realise that that is the kind of life I always wanted. Being an Army brat, I grew up mostly in small cities. I grew up with the idea of a white picket fence living. When I was younger, somewhere around 10, all I wanted was to marry an Army Officer and be the “memsaab” of the house. I wanted to take care of admin work within the house and to wear beautiful sarees to a number of parties. I wanted to be posted to far off places whose name most people didn’t recognize.
Little did I know adulting would make things so hard. Ambition and career would come in the way of eternal bliss. As I grew older, I realized there were things I wanted to do with my life and some I had to do. First academics and then career, brought us to a big city. Now I’m just stuck in this vicious circle of working and earning and spending.
Don’t get me wrong, I do like city living. Having a week long vacation in Jim Corbett also makes you realize that there’s hardly anything to do after the sun sets and that it’s better to be indoors, lest you want to become dinner for a tiger or a leopard. Not kidding, last week a woman got attacked and eaten by a tiger during daylight by the river and it was just 2km away from where we were staying.
Being close to nature has helped me bring back my creative drive. Somewhere along the way, in the hustle bustle of the city, I had lost it. This past year I was either working or talking or overthinking. 2024 was not a very productive year both from a professional and personal perspective. Professionally, I had aimed to do a lot of things but I was fighting a losing battle from the start. The worst thing about Corporate is that you have to gulp down your screams, put a smile on your face and pretend to like everybody around you. Not once can you go ahead and say, “Fuck you!”.
This inner battle led to a burnout and lack of motivation, even for piano. I would go for classes but didn’t make a lot of progress this year. My personal life has also been a mess. The biggest thing that had me worried or stressed rather is my marriage or lack thereof. What is it with married people urging single people to get on the train? I mean, I get it. You’re married, good for you. It’s not the end of the world if I don’t want to get married or God forbid, can’t find somebody to marry me!
No matter how hard you try, this is the reality of our lives and somewhere along the way, I did get affected by it. I started having FOMO and the only reason I wanted to get married at some point was JUST BECAUSE everybody around me was.
Nobody wants to be vulnerable in front of others for fear of being mocked or taken advantage of and I am no different. I would be lying if I said that others’ opinion of me didn’t affect me. But taking this trip made me come to terms with the fact that I need to live my life for me and according to me. There is no judgement in accepting that you can’t take the pressure of a fast and competitive life. Sometimes it’s much better to just let things be and be an observer of your life and the most important thing I learnt along the way is that it’s okay to be a coward and run!
Yes, that’s exactly what Lord Krishna was called- “ranchod”. He says that sometimes in life, it’s best to run from the battleground. It is not smart to fight every battle and neither is it wise to keep holding on to things. And I wholeheartedly agree with him.
